I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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