If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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