bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
