dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
did i just pee glitter
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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