I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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