it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
