we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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