Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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