margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
A+ Viking dick
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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