Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
