You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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