When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
