I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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