4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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