My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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