she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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