Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize