While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
