i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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