I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
