and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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