I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
