I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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