nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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