talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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