If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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