Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
