I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
