Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
