and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
