Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
