What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
