I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
