dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
