before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My liver just had a heart attack.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
