So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
this hospital has no fireball
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
