She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
