There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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