I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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