I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
