I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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