I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
