At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
