If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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