my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
How's work?
Spinning.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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