my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
