I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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