Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
whose parrot is this?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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