He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
