then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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