If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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