He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
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