The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
