I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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