the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
