One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
