Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize