We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
