I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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