After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
