I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
