theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
