I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
