My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
