If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
