I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Are we still banned from the library?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize