I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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