there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
