i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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