i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
