I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
false alarm, still single
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